


Paradise lost

by TWBiconic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, American Hogwarts, Endgame Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe, F/F, Fluff, I’m sorry for all of this, POV Shelby Goodkind, Pining, Religious Guilt, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:27:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29934084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TWBiconic/pseuds/TWBiconic
Summary: Hogwarts AU that I hate myself for. I’ve literally never written fan fiction before but I’m obsessed with The Wilds so here we go. Let me know what y’all think.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Fatin Jadmani, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe, toni shalifoe/Regan
Comments: 14
Kudos: 108





	1. 1

Shelby gets off the Hogwarts Express and glances around her, searching for her friends. She waited until the last minute to change into her robes so that she could do it discreetly (modesty is the best policy after all), but unfortunately it separated her from her group. She stands on her tiptoes, attempting to get a glimpse of other Slytherin 7th years around Hagrid’s massive frame, who is waving his lamp erratically and shouting for 1st years to follow him like he always does. When she finally gets a view of the carriages that bring them up to the castle, she spots Andrew already in a full one with the other Slytherin guys, and rolls her eyes. Of course he’d ditch her. Thankfully, a moment later she spots Becca waiting by the carriages and looking around, more than likely for Shelby herself. Shelby hurries over to meet her. 

“Jesus Shelb, what took you so long?” She asks, “all the carriages are full.”

Shelby takes a look around and becomes annoyed with her hesitance to change in front of the other girls on the train because, of course, Becca is correct. 

She spots an open one near the back of the line and grabs Becca’s wrist to drag her along. 

“There’s one!” She shouts as she’s doing it. 

It’s not until they actually reach the carriage that she takes stock of who's inside. There’s Fatin, another Slytherin senior, sitting next to Dot, a senior as well but a hufflepuff, and finally Nora huddled in the corner with a copy of the quibbler, who is also senior and a Ravenclaw. Shelby is familiar with the first two. Fatin, obviously because they’re in the same house, who she likes but doesn’t really have much in common with. She’s quick witted and a lot of fun to be around, but she doesn’t really seem to buy into the whole Slytherin schtick of sticking with their own pureblood kind and keeping old morals. Shelby would call her a slut if she was crass enough to do so, and Fatin would most definitely take it as a compliment. Dot, she knows because they’re from the same small town in Texas. Where Shelby is part of the old Coven that resides there, Dot is a halfblood. Probably a distant descendent of the Coven, but certainly not related closely enough to be a part of it, which explains the Hufflepuff thing. And finally Nora, categorically an oddball, but again, she’s a Ravenclaw so it comes with the territory.

Shelby hops in and flashes them all her most winning smile. She knows Slytherins get a bad rep, fairly in some respects with the pureblood pride, the pushy morals, and not to mention the Voldemort debacle, but she does her best to challenge it anyways. She may do it to try to prove to herself and to everyone else that she’s a good person, but she still wants to make everyone feel comfortable, so even if her motives aren’t the purest, it’s still good, right?

Fatin and Nora out right ignore her, both of them glued to their phone and book respectively. Dot looks up, though. 

“Not sitting with Andrew? Is he already dick deep in that chaser, what is her name? Christa Finley?”

Shelby does her best to keep her expression more confused than anything else and Becca shoots Dot a look that is more in line with “why would say that outloud” rather than “why you would say that in general.” Shelby's more taken aback by Dot’s aggression than her words. Andrew of course is not dick deep in anyone right now as he’s in a carriage with a bunch of students, but he very well might be in a couple of hours, and it won’t be her. It’s a poorly kept secret amongst the Slytherins, and apparently Dot as well, that Andrew regularly cheats on Shelby. She wishes that he would be a little more careful about it, but she’s not particularly hurt by it. She only dating him because he’s southern, and a pureblood so he keeps her family satiated. They only spend time together in front of people and she’s certainly not having sex with him. She figures he’s probably dating her for much the same reason if his escapades are any indication. 

Shelby’s about to respond to Dot with what would probably be a much too earnest to be believable, “I have no idea what you mean, Dottie.” when Fatin finally puts her phone down, and snorts at Dot’s comment, seemingly not at all interested in suppressing her amusement. 

Shelby can’t help it, she glares at Fatin, and when Fatin meets her gaze the conversation only gets worse. 

“Hey, it’s not me blondie. He’s way too interested in missionary work for my taste. In more ways than one actually.”

She shoots a smirk at Dot as she delivers the obvious innuendo and Dot laughs openly as if they’re not making fun of Shelby to her face in a rather cruel way. 

“Will y’all chill out?” Becca interjects as Shelby huffs and crosses her arms, sinking into her chair further, “I don’t know if you realize how rude you’re being.”

Shelby sees Dot shrug and look out the window, maybe a little ashamed of the joke. Fatin on the other hand leans forward and puts a hand on Shelby's knee to demand eye contact. 

“That was shitty, I’m sorry.”

Shelby gives her a half nod to acknowledge the apology, wanting nothing more than to drop the conversation. 

Seemingly unsatisfied with the response, though, she continues, “I wouldn’t joke about it if you were at all interested in the idiot. For two people who are so damn hot you have literally no sexual chemistry.”

That one gets to Shelby, and Becca looks at her apprehensively, knowing Fatin just hit a nerve without meaning to. It’s one thing if people think she’s oblivious to the cheating and maybe a little bit stupid for that, but it’s a whole different thing for people to know they don’t even like each other. 

“Fatin,” she says, trying her best to keep her tone level and hopefully a little angry but certainly not hurt, “We are very much in love and he is not cheating on me.”

Fatin looks at her sympathetically, but only says, “Okay, Shelbs” before picking up her phone again. 

The carriage is deafeningly silent for a moment, and Shelby can feel the heat rising in her cheeks. 

“I can’t wait for the sorting,” Becca says with a little too much enthusiasm. 

She knows Becca’s just trying to drive conversation in any other direction, and Shelby is eager to take the opportunity.

“Oh I know! Spencer is finally a first year. Daddy’s so excited to have another Slytherin in the family.”

They go on like that, talking about nothing to fill the air while the other three girls ignore them. Fatin’s comment still gnaws at Shelby. She genuinely didn’t think anyone was paying close enough attention to her relationship with Andrew to be able to spot the damn lack of sexual chemistry. The only one who really understands is Becca, and maybe Fatin it would seem. But no, Fatin may know she’s not into Andrew like she should be, but she doesn’t know why. Becca certainly is the only one who would know that. 

Shelby settles in next to Andrew with Becca across from them once she gets to the Slytherin table. She’s about to tell him off for ditching her at the train, but she sees Fatin looking at them so she grabs his jaw and kisses him heartily instead. He seems surprised but he allows it, and Shelby tries to push down the feeling of disgust that bubbles up as his facial hair scratches her chin and his clumsy hand grabs at her waist. 

When she pulls away, she looks directly at Fatin who is rolling her eyes and turning back towards whoever she’s sitting across from. Unimpressed. 

“Well hello to you too, baby,” Andrew says, and she barely has time to shoot “oh shut up” back before Gretchen Klein is tapping her glass to get the attention of the students. 

When the feast is over and they’re back in the ostentatiously decorated Slytherin common room, she rounds on Andrew and yells at him loudly for ditching her on their first day back before storming off to the senior girls dormitory. He seems mildly surprised that she even cares, but that’s about the extent of his reaction. 

She knows she only snapped at him because she’s mad at Fatin, and she’s mad that she didn’t like kissing him when she only did it to prove to Fatin that she does, so she feels a little guilty. On the other hand, it will probably buy her a couple of days without having to be all over him, so she can’t quite bring herself to regret it. 

She sits on the edge of her bed and clutches at her cross necklace. It’s uncommon in the wizarding world for people to be overtly religious, but not in the old southern families. The Goodkinds have actually run a church in Texas for something like 100 years, and it’s very important to her. Especially in times like these. 

It’s only a moment later that Becca appears in the doorway and takes stock of Shelby’s state. 

“Ya doin’ okay?”

Shelby just nods and scoots over so Becca can sit next to her on her bed. 

“Try not to panic. Fatin sees a lot, but there’s no way she knows why you’re not into him. She probably thinks it’s because he’s a douche, not because you’re actually into gir-“

“BECCA” Shelby cuts her off quickly and glances around the room she already knows is empty. Everyone else is still catching up in the common room. “We agreed not to talk about that,” she continues in a harsh whisper. 

“I know Shelb, but it’s been two years and I’m still not judging you. I don’t know why you can’t just call a spade a spade, even if it’s just with me.” 

Shelby looks at Becca’s earnest expression and sighs, “because it doesn’t have to be that way.”

And that’s half the truth. The whole truth is that she’d really like for it to be that way. She’s realized over the past few years that she’ll never be able to shake how she sees girls, but her family, her life as a whole, will never allow her to react to her feelings the way she wants to. She’d be ostracized. And her daddy insists that people can change their ways, like Kyle from the church back home. Acknowledging it seems like a step in the wrong direction. Not to mention, talking about it with Becca is deeply embarrassing. She only knows because Shelby kissed her two years ago on an impulse and a misread moment and Becca forced the truth out of her. She knows now that the act was born out of confusion and frustration. Becca is her friend and not anything more and that’s how they both want it. Nonetheless, the rejection still stung. 

Becca’s looking at her with sad eyes now. 

“You know that’ll never make you happy. It can be th-“

But Shelby doesn’t get to hear the rest of the speech, and she’s really not that upset about it. Fatin walks in and slumps unceremoniously onto her bed. Shelby watches her apprehensively, unsure if the three of them in a room will lead to more conversation. 

It does. 

“Hot make out sesh, Shelby.” Fatin says but it doesn’t really have the edge that it normally does, “but don’t feel obligated to do that on my behalf.”

Then she gets up and starts changing into pajamas without another word. Shelby follows suit, but in the bathroom, and when she comes back out both Becca and Fatin have their curtains drawn shut. 

-

The morning comes too soon. Shelby didn’t sleep well. She was tossing and turning all night with dreams of Andrew and Becca and the girl who plays seeker on the Gryffindor quidditch team, and her father walking in on her in compromising positions with each. She barely drags herself out of bed in time to get to breakfast before defense against the dark arts. 

Shelby doesn’t see Becca and she’s supposed to be mad at Andrew so she sits with Fatin for the few minutes that she has to eat. The houses are even smaller than the original Hogwarts in England and Fatin, Becca and Shelby make up the whole Slytherin senior class as far as girls go. She decides to put the events from yesterday behind her and strikes up a conversation about their classes. 

“Yeah it’s literally so fucking weird. Our schedules say we have defense with hufflepuff like we normally do but I was talking to Leah and she says Ravenclaw has it at the same time.”

Shelby scrunches her nose in confusion “that is weird. Maybe it’s a first day thing? This Professor Klein seems eager to say the least.”

“You mean she seems like a bitch. I mean, did you listen to her speech while you were macking on Andrew? There’s mania behind that fake ass smile.”

Shleby can’t help but smile at Fatin’s antics so she does just that and shrugs, “let’s go check it out then.”

They settle in next to Becca once they reach the defense room. Shelby looks around, and sure enough the entire senior class of all four houses is in the room or still filing in. 

Before everyone is even settled, Professor Klein walks purposefully into the room with a confused looking Linh Bach, who is their Defense Professor as of a year ago. She turns to the class and gives that slightly unsettlingly smile that Fatin was talking about before she speaks. 

“Hello everyone, I know I’m new here but I intend to make a mark and I’m counting on all of you to help me do that. I’ve never been a fan of how segregated this school is between houses, and I’d like to try something a little experimental with my first senior class. I’m hoping you’ll be as excited as I am.”

Oh God. Experimental? That’s not something any senior wants to hear on the precipice of graduating. 

“I’m going to be implementing a new program where a group of 8 students, two from each house, will work together on a year long project on which your grade will depend, and by extension, your graduation.”

Group work? With Gryffindors?? 

“I’ve already assigned your groups with the help of Professor Bach. Each group will get a branch of defensive magic that they will become experts in. By the end of the year you will be expected not only to complete but to thrive in a practical scenario created by the professors, and geared towards your branch of magic. I want you all to work through this together with only oversight from Professor Bach. Now, for the groups.”

“Jesus fuck.” She mumbles, then she quickly grasps at her cross necklace when she sees Fatin shoot her an amused look, and she sends a quick prayer up to the big man for taking the lord’s name in vain. She hadn’t thought she’d said it outloud.

“When I call your name, please sit at the table I indicate. Shelby Goodkind.”

Shelby stands and moves to the table that Professor Klein points at. She keeps her gracious smile in place the entire time, not wanting to show her apprehension to their new headmaster. 

“For the second Slytherin,”

Please please let it be Becca. 

“Fatin Jadmani.”

Fatin shoots Shelby a smirk as she joins her. 

“Hoping for Becca? At least I’m not Andrew.” She says under her breath. 

Shelby rolls her eyes but silently agrees. 

“For the Hufflepuffs, Dorothy Campbell and Rachel Reid.”

Dot and Fatin together to torment Shelby. Great. It’s not like Rachel will be much of a buffer either. She’s the biggest hot head to ever see the Hufflepuff common room. 

“For the Ravenclaws, Leah Rilke and Nora Reid.”

That’s fine, they’re both very smart, but any Ravenclaw would be. Shelby looks around the group and notices that Fatin’s looking excitedly at a slightly annoyed looking Leah and Rachel’s, glaring at her twin, Nora. 

“Finally, the Gryfindors, Martha Blackburn and Toni Shafiloe.”

Toni Shafiloe. The Gryffindor seeker. If there’s one person in the school Shelby really doesn’t get along with (other than maybe Andrew), it’s her. They don’t cross paths often, but when they do it’s always explosive, and Shelby doesn’t really know why, at least when she ignores the hints her dreams give her. At least Martha is the other Gryffindor. She’s by far the most pleasant and she is Toni’s best friend so she might actually have a shot at leveling her out. 

Toni doesn’t even seem to notice who is in the rest of the group, she just looks excited that Martha is one of them, and she offers Professor Klein a high-five as she walks past her to take her seat.

“Nice pick Professor Gretch. Gryffindor’s dynamic duo over here.”

“It’s Professor Klein, Toni, take your seat,” she says, but she accepts the high five anyways. 

Toni follows instructions for once and Professor Klein keeps calling off names until everyone is grouped together. 

“Alright, now that’s out of the way, Professor Bach will pass out summaries of your branches of magic. Once you have them, class is over. I encourage you to familiarize yourselves with the information and with each other. The entire senior class has the rest of the day off to do just that.”

Bach starts passing out assignments on the other side of the room and the new group takes a second to size each other up before Dot breaks the silence. 

“Well, rise and shine, ladies. we’re in hell.”

“Oh it’s not that bad!” Martha chimes in, “I think we could really have some fun with this.” 

Shelby looks up to smile at Martha, hoping that her attitude will rub off on the rest of the group. When she does, however, she immediately meets Toni’s angry stare, pointing directly at her. Toni looks away right when their eyes lock, but Shelby’s still a little taken aback. She knows they don’t get along, but she wasn’t expecting to have to play defense for no reason. She pries her attention away from Toni and looks around at her group. 

“Why don’t we take Klein up on her offer and meet down at the three broomsticks or hog’s head? We can split up to drop our stuff off and meet out front so we can walk together,” Shleby suggests. 

Everyone agrees but it ranges from enthusiasm from Dot for the alcohol and Martha for the comradery to mere acceptance of their fate from Toni and Rachel. 

“Fine but it’s gotta be Hog’s Head. They’ll actually serve us something stronger than beer,” Fatin says as she collects her books. 

Fatin takes forever picking out muggle clothes, and honestly Shelby’s not much quicker, so they’re the last to arrive at the entrance. 

“Thank fucking god we can leave when we want now that we’re 18,” Fatin says by way of greeting when they’re close enough to the group. 

“Marty’s not, but Hagrid loves her for loving those monsters as much as him so the bitch got a special exemption from him, didn’t ya Marty?”

“Hush Toni, I’m not supposed to tell everyone,” she responds, exasperated but clearly pleased with herself. 

Shelby speeds her pace a little to catch up with Martha, figuring that if she makes friends with her, Toni might warm to her a little. 

“That’s awfully nice of him, Martha. I didn’t know you were so good at care of magical creatures! Did anyone ever tell you you have the most drop dead gorgeous eyes?”

Martha smiles shyly and springs into a whole explanation of what she likes so much about the subject and Shelby listens intently. Martha seems like a genuinely kind person. Like her outward positivity really isn’t a facade at all. Shelby absolutely loves it, thinking she could actually make friends with this girl.

She catches snippets of conversations from the other girls while she listens to Martha. Dot and Fatin are talking about sassy shirts, cargo pants and feminism, and it takes everything in her not to whip around when Dot says “sorry to disappoint, but I’m not a lesbian,” but she succeeds. She hears Toni laughing about that time that she got kicked out of a quidditch game for throwing her own pee at Slytherin’s seeker, and Rachel responding with something disdainful about never risking her own position as hufflepuff’s captain like that. She glimpses Nora and Leah walking together, but it seems like they’re basically ignoring each other, Nora eyeing her sister and Leah buried in a book while walking. It seems like a tripping hazard but whatever. 

“Yeah, boys don’t really like me,” Martha says, drawing Shelby’s attention back to her. 

Shelby isn’t sure how the conversation took this turn, but she knows she’s hit something she can dive in on. 

“Oh, that you know of! You just have to find the right one.”

“I think I have a pretty good lay of the land, Shelby”

“Just be patient. I’ve got one, you know Andrew? He bought me a star for my birthday. Like an actual star, in the sky,” Shelby says, gesturing up with her hands, and Martha looks like it’s the most romantic thing in the world. (It’s really really not.)

“So what about you then, Shelby? What are you into?”

Shelby lays it on thick, leaning towards Martha and putting a hand on her arm with a big smile and unleashing the Texas accent a little. 

“All you have to know about me is I do real. I do family. I do Jesus. And I do Slytherin,” and she motions with her hands the whole time like she’s delivering a practiced speech. Martha laughs like she has no idea what Shelby is talking about but she likes it. 

They reach the Hog’s Head and grab a booth while a few of them head to the bathroom, including Toni. Dot orders them all fire whiskies and the bartender looks suspiciously at them but does not protest. 

It’s warm in the bar and Shelby gets a little hot, so she tries to remove her sweater that’s over her shirt and subsequently pulls both layers up by accent and gets stuck. 

“Shit shelbs why are you flashing everyone?” Fatin asks and Shelby can hear her get up to help correct it. 

Fatin Isn't fast enough. She obviously still can’t see her but she hears Toni scoff. 

“What the fuck are you wearing?” 

For a moment, Shelby is glad that her face is covered as she feels the blush creep up her cheeks. She knows the bra she’s currently wearing is flowery and a little childish and very much exposed. For all of her issues, body confidence really isn’t one of them. Her family takes the “your body is a temple” idea and freaking runs with it. Her diet is immaculate, if way over the top, and her greatest stress relief, of which she takes abundant advantage, is cardio with the intent to kill. She is however, a little embarrassed by the exposure and definitely by the choice of bra, so she’s very relieved when Fatin finally pulls her shirt down so she can finish getting her sweater off. 

By the time the job’s done, much of the rest of the group is already digging through the packet they got from Bach. 

“Survival,” Dot says, “I can work with that. Me and my dad used to love those muggle survival shows.”

Nora is the only other one who doesn’t seem let down by the category, but she also doesn’t seem particularly excited either. 

“I hope we don’t have to hunt anything,” Martha chimes in, around the same time Fatin says, “I hope I don’t have to get fucking dirty.”

“Y’all, it won’t be that bad. If God brought us to it, God will bring us through it,” Shelby cuts in, flashing her smile. 

In hindsight, she maybe should’ve known that kind of encouragement wouldn’t work on this group, but it works for her, so whatever. She’s not ashamed to be religious even if it’s not the norm at Hogwarts.

Toni scoffs again, and Shelby hopes the noise doesn’t keep happening so often. The disdain riddled through the little sound pricks at her ears in a way that’s so incredibly annoying, it makes her itch to run a 5K as fast as she can. 

“You know that’s not how the Jesus thing works right? Like he’s not going to fly down on a broomstick and do this stupid fucking project for us.”

Shleby flexes her jaw, trying to quell the aggravation that shoots through her body every time Toni picks at her. 

“God helps those who help themselves,” she says with a sharp look to Toni, but she doesn’t linger on the tension, “now, I don’t know about y’all, but most of this is pretty foreign to me. I’m going to run down to the bookstore to see if they have anything specific for survival magic, so we can look some of this stuff up.”

“Toni, maybe you should go with her,” Martha says as Shelby’s pulling her sweater back on, and when Toni’s glare hits Martha she adds, “y’know buddy system and all that.”

Toni looks a little helplessly at Martha like she has no idea why her friend would suggest this. Shelby gets it right away, though. Martha’s supremely optimistic and she thinks they’ll get along if they have a chance to get to know each other. Shelby doubts it but she resigns herself to try, for Martha and for the next year worth of meeting with these girls. She smiles between the two of them until Toni finally mumbles “God, fine” and gets up to follow Shelby out. 

“I can’t believe you’re going to buy books for this when we have a gigantic library up at the school,” Toni says once they get to the sidewalk towards the bookstore. 

“I just want to get a head start while we have all day, and I don’t want to go all the way back to the school.”

“You’re right. I forgot, you’re probably rich as fuck. You probably have one of those giant fluffy beds that costs more than my car back home with a million pillows on it.”

Shleby just glanced over at Toni with a raised eyebrow as if asking her if she’s done. 

“Oh and probably a house elf too? Buttercup sounds right. God, moving those pillows on and off the bed probably makes her want to off herself.”

Shleby just rolls her eyes and ducks into the store, not wanting to respond, because her family does in fact have a house elf who definitely arranges her pillows for her. Her name is peaches though. 

Shelby browses the isles looking for books and Toni follows her around with her hands shoved into her pockets. 

“God I hate looking at your ponytail. I feel like it thinks it’s better than me.”

Shelby sighs, “then walk in front of me, Toni.”

It doesn’t take them too much longer to find a couple of defense against the dark arts books that are geared towards survival. Shelby buys three, she would’ve grabbed another, but she knew Toni would give her shit about the price tag so she keeps it at that. 

“Thank the lord we found these,” Shelby comments as she finishes checking out, and she hears that damn scoff yet again. 

“What’s with you and the Jesus thing? Don’t you know it’s all just a brainwashing tool for the masses?” She asks. 

The scoffs are really starting to drive Shelby up the wall at this point and she hasn’t been rude at all so she decides it’s finally time she can push back a little. 

“Well even if that’s true don’t you think your brain could use a little… scrub?” And she gestures to Toni’s head when she pauses. 

Toni just glared back at her and mumbles, “fuck you” before storming towards the door. 

Shelby follows struggling with the big books that she’s carrying, annoyed that Toni doesn’t even offer to help. She’s expecting Toni to hold the door open for her since both of her hands are full, but apparently that’s too much to ask. Just as she reaches it and begins to walk through, Toni lets go of it and it swings shut, slamming into her harshly and knocking the books out of her hands. To make matters worse, she’s not able to stop her forward momentum and she trips over the books barely stopping herself from slamming into the concrete sidewalk face first by jutting her right hand out to catch herself. 

To Toni’s credit, she immediately starts apologizing as Shelby sits up and clutches her wrist, but she still did it, so y’know. Shelby let’s Toni collect the books as retribution while she decides that her wrist is definitely sprained. 

“It’s really okay,” she says. “But I’d rather walk back alone. You can go ahead.”

Toni just nods and leaves and Shelby gives her a couple of minutes before following. She clutches her cross necklace with her uninjured hand and tries to pray the anger away. Why is she such a bitch? Sure, there’s the slytherin rivalry, but that’s never been much more than quidditch and house points in the American branch of the school. And sure Andrew is definitely a dick to Toni, Shelby’s heard him use a slur or two to describe Toni when she passes them in the hallways holding hands with Regan. That’s more about the fact that Andrew is the slytherin captain and Toni and an almost obnoxiously good seeker, and kind of an asshole about it to be perfectly honest. But Shelby’s never said those things. Absolutely not. If she ever looks too long while Toni’s kissing Reagan after a game or while they’re laughing together in the great hall that’s because… well. It’s just because. Shelby doesn’t judge her for it and she’s never said anything to make her think she does. 

Taking a second to compose herself, Shelby plasters on her smile and pushes open the door to the pub with her shoulder, her hand still cradled against her chest. Toni is just arriving at the table and Shelby hears Martha ask where she is just before she turns the corner to meet everyone. 

“Uh, yeah, she’s right there,” Toni responds to Martha after it’s already become obvious. 

Martha’s eyes find Shelby and almost immediately worry transforms her face. 

“Oh my god! What happened?”

Shelby glances at Toni and takes in her almost resigned expression. She’s had inside information on Toni for about a year now. Ever since her and Fatin had… hooked up last year during one of Toni’s breaks with Reagan then became pretty good friends with her. When Shleby asked her if that means she’s a lesbian, Fatin told her that no, she’s not a lesbian but only a fool would’ve thought she wasn’t “fluid as fuck” then she’d made fun of Shelby incessantly for how she’d whispered the word lesbian. Anyway, since then Fatin has kept Shelby and Becca up to date on Toni gossip. Everything from her talents in bed, to her break ups with Reagan, to more serious stuff. One of the more serious things was that the pee incident at the game last year had not only almost gotten Toni kicked off of the quidditch team, but also out of the school. And that this had been a particularly scary moment for Toni as she was a foster kid and Hogwarts was her safe haven. According to Fatin it wasn’t the “this sucks and I can’t wait to turn 18, but I’m with family and I have a house over my head” situation that’s so often described in Harry Potter biographies. It’s the “this definitely crosses the line into abuse and I don’t know where my next meal is coming from” situation that so many foster kids go through. 

Apparently since all that went down Toni’s been working on her self control, and Martha had been helping her. The look on Toni’s face makes it clear to Shelby that the last thing that Toni wants is for Martha to find out she slipped up. Also, if Shelby’s being honest, Toni clearly didn’t mean for the door to do so much damage. She had started to apologize right away after all. 

So Shelby decides maybe this can be the olive branch that makes the next year of working together bearable. 

“Oh I tripped leaving the store, and hurt my hand. Very silly of me.”

Martha seems to accept that, and rushes over to look at the damage. Dot is the one who ends up doing a healing charm because she’d taken Madam Pomfrey’s health care class with Shelby last year. Nora has the bartender bring over ice and soon Shelby’s wrist is as good as new despite a little bit of lingering pain. 

About two hours later, the group has had enough fire whiskey to completely forget that they’re supposed to be there to discuss survival magic. The conversation turns to Professor Bach, and Rachel suggests they pour one out for her because she’s going to be working with “Professor bitch” so much, but Shelby has a better idea. 

“Y’all remember when she made the seniors play never have I ever last year and it completely backfired? Why don’t we use that as a little icebreaker and play in her honor.” 

To Shelby’s surprise everyone agrees, and she’s not sure if it’s because the alcohol is already flowing or because they all genuinely feel a little bad for their teacher. 

“I’m in,” Dot says, “but no pussy questions. I want the real stuff.” 

After a beat of silence, Shelby takes the cue, and goes for the most obvious never have I ever question to ever exist. 

“Fine, never have I ever had vaginal penetrative intercourse.”

She says it like that to keep it from sounding too vulgar, but once it’s out of her mouth she thinks maybe just “sex” would’ve been better. Everyone drinks but Martha and Shelby herself, obviously, and some of those surprise her, Nora and Leah most of all. Fatin seems interested in the Leah news as well, eyeing her with a surprised look, and Shelby briefly wonders why Fatin always seems so interested in her. 

After Fatin takes her drink she pipes up, “if that’s what you guys constitute as ‘real’ I’m going to be fucking plastered,” then she smirks, letting everyone know, like they didn’t already, that “vaginal penetrative intercourse” is probably the biggest understatement of the year when it comes to her.

“I’m just glad I’m not the only one who didn’t drink. That would’ve been embarrassing,” Martha adds with a shy smile at Shelby. 

Shelby beams back at her, “that’s nothing to be embarrassed of! It takes guts to save yourself.”

“Alright, alright,” Dot cuts in, grinning at a still smug looking Fatin, “never have I ever had a threesome.”

Fatin quirks an eyebrow and raises her glass in a cheers to herself before knocking it back, and she’s the only one who does.

“Okay but with two guys not two girls,” Dot amends, clearly trying to see how far Fatin’s limits go. 

Again, she raises her glass with a chuckle that could only mean “good times” and drinks while the rest of the girls laugh along with her now. 

“On my period,” Dot tries, looking amused and unsure if there’s any end to Fatin’s escapades. 

Fatin raises her glass again to a unanimous gasp from the group, but this time she stops and laughs along with them. 

“Well I’m not a freak,” she says, and Shelby isn’t sure she agrees.

There’s another small pause as they all look around at each other, waiting for another question. 

“I’ve got one,” Rachel says, then she grins at Toni, “never have I ever thrown my own piss at someone.”

Everyone looks at Toni, and Shelby is a little worried that Toni will get pissed off until she sees Martha’s amused exasperation and remembers Toni was joking about it earlier. 

“With pride motherfuckers,” and she downs her drink. 

The game doesn’t really go on too much longer after that. The never have I evers get increasingly specific until everyone has been targeted and everyone is a little drunk. It’s actually pretty fun. 

-

The next morning, Shelby is a little hungover. She drinks, but really not that often and her body is most definitely not used to it. She slept poorly again, but the upside of the hangover is that she can’t really remember her dreams as specifically as she normally can. She’s thankful for that, she’s sure Toni was all over them. 

She drags herself out of bed to find Becca and Fatin already getting ready to go downstairs, and starts collecting her robes to get ready in the bathroom.

“I know I’ve said this every week for like 5 years, but I will never understand why you still don’t change in front of us.”

“Are you saying you want the religious speech about modesty again, or are you just talking to hear your own voice?” Shelby mumbles back gruffly. She’s not actually annoyed at Fatin or anything she just needs her morning coffee more than usual to put on the perky face she always wears. 

Fatin laughs at that, “more just to hear myself talk I guess.”

Fatin and Becca wait for her in the dormitory and they all walk down together. Once they’re seated, Shelby clutches her coffee with both hands and let’s the aroma wake her up a little. She’s not really hungry but she has some cereal anyways. The kind her dad would yell at her for eating. As the food settles in her stomach and the caffeine wakes her up, Shelby feels her hangover dissipate a little and she’s able to put on a happy face before they all head to double herbology with the Hufflepuffs. 

Becca and Fatin are gossiping about who Leah might have slept with. Fatin, of course, is a huge fan of gossip, and it would seem a huge fan of Leah too, so it was only a matter of time before she told Becca what she’d learned during the drinking game and the pair dissected it. They don’t seem to have any real leads so shelby glances around the grounds instead of listening. 

They’re passing the quidditch shed outside of the greenhouses when Shelby sees Toni. She’s leaning against the doorframe of the shed and holding her broom next to her. She’s wearing Gryffindor workout gear that consists of a red sports bra with gold embellishments and matching leggings. Most importantly, she’s being pressed up against the previously mentioned door frame by Reagan who is kissing her passionately and gripping at her sides that are exposed by her athletic clothes. Shleby can’t look away. She can see the muscles move in Toni’s neck and on her stomach when she strains forward to match Reagan’s kiss, and she can just barely see her tongue move languidly forward to meet Reagan’s when the girl opens her mouth just a bit. Briefly, the only thought that goes through her mind is that she understands why Reagan is holding on to Toni so harshly when she looks like that, and moves like that. She doesn’t even have time to reprimand herself for reacting that way before Fatin calls her out. 

“Shelbs I can’t tell if you’re being super horny or super judgey but you’ve got to stop staring.”

Shleby whips around to see a very smug looking Fatin, like she already knows the answer.

“I, uh, neither. I just like their new practice uniforms.”

“Uh huh, let’s get inside. It’s greenhouse 4.”

Shelby looks over her shoulder at Toni and Reagan one more time as she turns to enter the greenhouse, and she’s met with Toni glaring at her so intently, she knows for a fact that Toni heard Fatin’s comment. She must think it was judgy, and it's too bad that it was most definitely horny. Then she grips her cross necklace, knowing that even if her body is reacting that way, she shouldn’t be validating it with her thoughts. That’s what her dad would say. That’s what her dad said to Kyle. 

She spends the beginning of herbology completely distracted. She’s frustrated with Fatin for making that comment, both the wrong part and the right part. She doesn’t understand how Fatin always seems to hit everything right on the nose. It’s like she has a social awareness superpower. Even more so, she’s annoyed that Toni Obviously latched on to the wrong part and the olive branch Shelby extended is probably mute now. It might be for the best because mostly, out of everything, Shelby is still distracted by how Toni looked. 

That practice uniform was showing every inch of her body and it worked. She’s in great shape from being on the Gryffindor team and she’s tan from always working out in the sun. She seemed so sure kissing Reagan, like she’d done it a million times and there was no reason for her not to. No Dave Goodkind to explain the sinful nature of her action. It must be liberating. Then Shelby’s thoughts went to the million times. She wondered what else they’d done, and how they got away with it in the castle. They’re both Gryffindors so their dormitory is probably like a sex haven when Martha’s not around. Shelby wonders if all that fiery passion Toni has translates when her and Reagan are alone together. Then, she realizes she doesn’t even know what that means. Passion, at least in a sexual context, is not something she’s ever experienced. The best feeling she’s ever gotten kissing Andrew is a sense of being dutiful. She did try, once, to find him sexually attractive. During a little bit of a spiral she had after kissing Becca, Shelby thought maybe if she went a little farther with him it might make her feel something. It didn’t, she went down on him (because Fatin always says to skip the handy) and it certainly worked for him but it didn’t do anything for her. She only felt more revolted by him and more sinful for her actions. 

It’s Professor sprout who finally pulls her out of her thoughts by saying she’s going to pair the class up to do some practical observation in the forest. She’s too preoccupied with her thoughts of Toni to move closer to Fatin or Becca so they get paired off together and Shelby ends up with Dot. 

They walk over to the edge of the forest from the greenhouse in relative silence. Shelby wasn’t paying attention during the initial explanation of what they were doing, so she’s not sure what she’s looking for but Dot seems to know so she just follows her. She watches Dot pick through the brush at the tree line until she finds what she’s presumably looking for and strides forward. She wonders why Dot came at her on the carriage ride from the train. They’re not friends or anything, but they do go way back, so she decided to strike up conversation and hopefully find out what her deal is. 

“I was sorry to hear about your dad, Dottie,” 

Dot just grunts back in a non committal way. Her dad died last year and Shelby’s never heard her talk about it. Not that she’s ever asked. 

“I remember him being the best quidditch coach when we were in little league. He would always get so into it.”

Dot nods, “you know you don’t really have to do this.”

Shleby’s confused, “Do what?”

“This whole breakfast club thing, just because we’re in a project together.”

“I’m not doing a thing.”

“Yes you are.”

Shelby rolls her eyes but Dot isn’t even looking at her. She’s silent for a few minutes but she just can’t help but ask. 

“So why did you say that stuff about Andrew?”

“See Shelby, you’re doing a thing even if it’s not the breakfast club thing. I should’ve known that that’s what this is about.” 

“I just thought it was interesting you’d talk about him like that especially with your whole side hustle.”

Shelby knows she’s taken a hard left turn and is maybe being a little harsh, but Dot’s the one who sells muggle pills to the students and Shelby is wound a little tight between Dot’s Andrew comment, Fatin and everything that comes out of her mouth, and Toni. 

“Interesting you’d say that considering he’s one of my best customers.”

Shelby stops walking, definitely taken aback by that. Sure, Andrew cheats, but drugs? She needs a new beard. Dot turns around and looks at Shelby, and clearly takes her expression as more hurt than it is. 

“Looks Shelbs, the Christa thing is just,” and she pauses there like she’s not sure how to finish the sentence, “rumors,” she lands on. “I just think you deserve better.”

Shelby’s surprised again, but a little touched. She certainly showed it in a weird way but the sentiment is good. She doesn’t think Shelby’s stupid or vapid for dating him. She just thinks she shouldn’t be, and she’s right. 

“Thanks Dottie,” is all she says, but she thinks they both know what she means. 

They do talk a little bit then, about back home, about stupid gossip, and about their group project situation. Shelby starts to realize that Dot’s actually pretty funny, and maybe she should have taken a second to get to know her. She doesn’t try to act like a queen bee at school, but she knows she kind of does. Her and Fatin are two of the most popular girls, conventionally attractive and two very opposite kinds of desirable. Shelby’s the unobtainable virginal type where Fatin is the intimidating head bitch in charge type, and between the two of them, they turn the most heads. If this project is making teaching her anything so far it’s that she should stop letting that go to her head. 

When they’re done and Dot has taken the notes they need to, they head back up to the greenhouse with a much more comfortable rapport than when they walked down. 

-

The rest of the day is uneventful until Shelby is sitting with Fatin and Becca in the common room when the day is over. It’s pretty much cleared out by this time save for a few first years poking around the fire. They’re tucked away in a corner of the common room though, so they’re effectively alone. 

“Sooo,” Fatin says, and Shelby knows whatever she’s about to say is going to be gossip just from her tone, “are you going to tell us why you were totally eye fucking Toni today?” She was not expecting that. 

She just looks at Fatin with her mouth hanging open at a loss for words, and Becca’s head jerks up to look at Fatin so quickly that Shelby’s worried she’s given herself whiplash. 

Fatin just stares back at them like she’s not calling out Shelby’s deeply repressed sexuality in an exceedingly flippant way. 

“Oh come on guys. She was. Becca back me up.”

“Fatin-“ Becca tries to respond, probably to tell her to drop it but this shit with Fatin saying the worst and most accurate thing so casually is really starting to get under Shelby’s skin in a way that she is having a hard time controlling. 

“Why the fuck do you keep doing this?” Shelby asks, her question biting hard. 

For once, Fatin looks taken aback and this time she’s the one staring and at a loss for words. 

“Shelby, I don’t know-“

“No Fatin, at this point I know you know. I’m tired of you fucking alluding to it. Like what is your game here?”

Now Fatin really looks confused. She’s looking at Shelby with a sort of nervous concern and glancing at Becca like she wants help, but Shelby’s not convinced. Three times in three days now Fatin has made a reference to Shelby’s situation. She will not believe that it’s an accident. 

“How did you even find out?” 

“Shelby, I don’t know if she knows what you’re talking about,” Becca says, and Shelby finally starts to waver because Fatin’s still not saying anything. 

“Well?” Shelby says, figuring she’s in too deep at this point to sit back down and move on with the conversation. 

“Shelby…” she begins hesitantly, “you’re being, like, crazy cryptic, but if I’ve been touching some kind of trigger point I’m sorry.”

“You know what you’re doing.”

“I really don’t.”

With that, Shelby just wants to get away from her because no matter what Becca says, she doesn’t believe Fatin. She stands and walks quickly to the dormitory, feeling a mix of nerves and relief from finally saying something to Fatin, and fearing it was too much. 

It’s only a couple of minutes before the door opens again, and Shelby’s not surprised. What does surprise her is that it’s Fatin who walks in, not Becca. 

“Fatin, really, I do not want to talk to you right now.”

“Yeah…I kinda feel that,” she says, but she sits down on Shelby’s bed next to her anyways. “So, Becca and I were just talking.”

Shelby looks at her warily. She knows she just dropped some huge hints to a girl who has a super human ability to read people, but she still doubts Becca would give her any information even when asked. 

“What did she say to you?”

“Well nothing really. I, uh, kind of just took some guesses as to what the stick up your ass is, and she just kinda let me work the problem.” 

To Shelby’s surprise, she immediately starts crying. Not only is Fatin Jadmani probably the worst person to trust your most deeply held secret with, but having a conversation with her about it is just not something she knows if she can handle. She pulls her legs up to her chest and rests her forehead against her knees, trying to hide the tears. 

Unfortunately, it’s not just tears. She can feel her body shaking a little and she knows Fatin must know she’s crying, and she does know Shelby’s gay, and fuck. Why did she have to blow up like that? Fatin rests her head on Shelby’s shoulder, and at first she’s surprised. Her and Fatin are friends, sure. They’ve known each other for 6 years, but this is not the kind of friendship they have. 

“I didn’t mean to call you out like that. I wouldn’t have said it if I knew i was actually pushing buttons,”

Shelby nods but the realization that Fatin really didn’t know makes her cry even harder. She’s so stupid. 

“You know I won’t tell anyone, right?” 

At that, Shelby looks up and meets Fatin’s eyes directly. 

“No, honestly, I don’t know that.”

Fatin looks mildly offended, but it only lasts a second before her expression is more sad than anything else. 

“Shelbs, you know I love some hot goss, but I wouldn’t blow up your spot like that, I promise.”

Shelby’s anxiety ebbs a little because Fatin seems sincere but it doesn’t go away, not completely. The simple fact that they’re talking about this is making her chest tight. 

“Seriously Shelby, all jokes aside I understand what your family situation is. My lips are sealed.”

“Okay,” is all Shelby can manage back and she lets her head sink down and land on Fatin’s shoulder while her tears start to slow. 

“How long have you been sitting on this?”

Shelby sighs, and she doesn’t know why she answers. The only time she’s talked about this specifically was with Becca right after the kiss. Since then it’s just been clipped conversations where Becca tries to talk about it and Shelby shuts her down.

“Like two and a half years. I kissed Becca two years ago on a whim but I knew I wanted to even back in our fourth year.”

Fatin’s the one who signs then. “That’s way too long, honey.”

“It’ll only get longer. There’s not even a chance until I’m out of school and I have a job… but, even then I don’t know if I can be that person.”

“You know you can be in the closet, and still be you right?”

“I just don’t know if I want that to be me. My family doesn’t want that to be me. My daddy says that people can change.”

“Your daddy is wrong on that one,” Fatin says bluntly, and there’s an edge to her voice that wasn’t there before. 

Shleby doesn’t respond. Weirdly, she’s kind of reveling in the moment. Fatin isn’t asking her anything weird or judging her, she’s just understanding. It’s more comforting than Shelby would have ever expected. 

“Is it just girls?” 

Shelby nods, “I’ve tried so hard to be attracted to Andrew. I just can’t. I think the only time I’ve ever had a legitimate crush on a guy was on Victor Krum when I was like 7.”

“Well you don’t have to be a lesbian to not be attracted to Andrew, but that’s beside the point.”

Shelby stares at her. Fatin called her a lesbian with such certainty and something about it throws her for a loop. This is all so much. Fatin seems to notice, and maybe understands what the issue she’s having is.

“Sorry if we’re not comfortable with the language yet. I’ll cool it.”

Shelby’s leans down on Fatin’s shoulder again. She doesn’t really want to stop talking. This is a total weight off, but the eye contact is too much pressure. Fatin drapes and arms around her and gives her a little squeeze. 

“So is it unrequited love with Becca?”

Shelby actually laughs at that one. 

“No, she was just the only one who knew. I think I kissed her because I needed to let it out, not because I love her or anything. Not as more than a friend.”

“I think you need to keep letting it out.”

“Are you offering, Jadmani?” Shelby says, surprising herself a little with the joke. 

“Shelby fucking Goodkind. My word. Fuck. Yes.” 

And they both laugh a little. Shelby’s appreciative of the mood shift. Things were getting a bit heavy. She's still laughing a little when she looks up, but it dies in her throat. Fatin’s looking at her with a quirked eyebrow and a smile on her face but the smile is a little mischievous, and Shelby wonders if the answer was more real than she thought. She swallows hard and smiles a little sheepishly. 

“The answer’s as genuine as the question, Shelbs,” Fatin says, like she’s reading Shelby’s thoughts, and she knows that puts the ball in her court. She could continue on as if it’s a joke, like it was intended to be, or she could try something a little new. Kiss someone who might be into it. 

She can’t let the opportunity go. They lock eyes for a moment and all Shelby can do is nod just a little, hoping that Fatin catches her meaning. She does. Suddenly, Shelby’s meeting Fatin halfway to carefully fit their lips together and she doesn’t really know how she got from yelling at Fatin in the common room to this so quickly.

She does like it though. Fatin’s lips are soft and she touches Shelby’s cheek gently as soon as their lips meet. And finally finally she knows this is what it’s supposed to be like. Desire bubbles up through her and she pressed a little closer to Fatin, and it seems like that’s what she was waiting for. Fatin’s hand moves from her cheek to the nape of her neck and grabs at her a little more firmly, and they’re kissing in earnest now. Shelby’s just deciding if she wants to push a little further when Fatin’s mouth opens just a touch and her tongue brushes softly at Shelby’s lower lip. All the reasons she knows she shouldn’t be doing this fly out the window as soon as she feels it. Her tongue meets Fatin’s without hesitation and it feels like electricity is coursing through her veins. She lets out a little involuntary noise as the kiss deepens further and she can feel Fatin fighting a smile against her lips.

She doesn’t really know what this is because it’s Fatin so it has to be casual. Shelby’s pretty sure she’s just doing this to help her “let it out” but the way she’s cradling Shelby’s neck feels tender and the last thing Shelby wants to do is stop but moving forward seems scary too. They’re at kind of a weird angle since they’re sitting side by side on a bed, but all Shelby wants to do is touch Fatin, so she moves her hand that’s farther away from Fatin and rests it tentatively on Fatin’s leg that’s further away from her. She knows it probably feels like a question to Fatin, like Shelby’s asking if this is going to go further. But mostly, Shelby just wants to increase their contact and she’s glad she does. She’s now leaning far into Fatin and their chests are brushing lightly and Shelby’s head is spinning.

Shelby must be right that the touch felt like a question because almost as soon as she does it, Fatin’s other hand meets the first and they both tangle in her long blonde hair and pull her forward. Suddenly, the encounter is much more intense than Shelby bargained for because Fatin leans all the way back and lays on the bed, pulling Shelby with her to straddle her. They never really break the kiss, but she can feel Fatin’s thigh pressing up against her in between her legs and she knows Fatin knows what she’s doing. She doesn’t really want to stop but anxiety is bubbling up to meet her desire and she needs to breathe so she splits the difference and kisses Fatin’s jaw and then her neck and kind of stays there, panting and planting soft kisses that aren’t too sexual. 

They’re still pressed almost flush together and Fatin’s thigh doesn’t move, but her grip loosens and one of her hands falls to Shelby’s waist with the other strokes her hair lightly. 

“Too much, Texas?” 

And Shelby doesn’t know what to say because yes but also not enough at all both seem to fit her feelings. Then Shelby’s crying again and it’s so sudden she doesn’t really know what to do. She just lets her weight fall sideways so that they’re more cuddling than straddling, but still close. Fatin just pulls her in for a hug and keeps stroking her hair. 

“You know, most people don’t get to cuddle with me. You’re lucky you’re having a sexuality crisis.”

Shelby snorts and the panic ebbs because if there’s one thing that’s comforting about this whole situation it’s that Fatin, at least, is not panicking. Not even a little. 

“Thank you, Fatin,” is all she says back.

“Literally anytime, Shelby. That was hot.”


	2. 2

She gets out of bed and the first thing she does is break up with Andrew. He doesn’t really seem to care and she definitely doesn’t either. She figures he can go on buying drugs from Dot and fucking Christa Finley and she can figure out what the hell is happening with her without adding more adaultry to her growing list of sins. 

Because honestly what the fuck?

She has no idea how she let last night happen and she has no idea what the aftermath is going to look like. She can’t help but remember flashes of it all throughout her morning. When she’s in potions stirring her mess of a concoction she remembers the feeling of their tongues pressed together while their chests graze during the movement and she nearly drops her wand in her daze. In charms she remembers the feeling of Fatin’s thigh pressed up between her legs with her hand’s tangled in Shelby’s hair and this time she does drop her wand. 

Needless to say, she avoids Fatin like the plague. 

After the incident in charms, Shelby needs to clear her head so she changes into workout clothes and goes for a run. It helps for a while. The physical exertion helps her not think, the only thing going through her mind being the effort. When she thinks about what her family would say if they knew how weak she’d been, she runs a little faster. Not long after, she thinks about the fact that Fatin Jadmani not only knows she likes girls, but has touched her like that. She runs faster. When she thinks about how much she likes it and how badly she wants to do it again, she runs so hard that she can only hold it for a few minutes, and soon she’s nearly collapsing on the ground next to the foot trail. 

She produces a small stream of water out of her wand and breathes hard in between drinks. She knows she pushed herself a little too hard but she doesn’t know how else to manage the feelings. She has a powerful urge to text Fatin right now and see what more of last night could feel like. She also has an equally powerful urge to transfer to Hogwarts UK and never see Fatin or Toni or Becca again. She knows it’s not an option so she runs because she can’t think of another way to quell the first drive. 

Shelby works hard to be the person she’s expected to be but when it comes to that kind of temptation, her calculating resolve obviously crumbles. All of it was just gone the minute Fatin suggested she actually try it. She thought if she never said the words, and never actually tried anything, she could just be the person she needs to be and live her life. Now, she feels like she’s unleashed the beast. Tasted the forbidden fruit. 

She huffs and takes one more drink of water before she gets up to go back to the castle. She doesn’t run anymore, just holds her cross necklace and prays. For forgiveness and for strength. She doesn’t know about forgiveness but she does feel the strength. 

She has to pass the quidditch practice field to get back to the castle, and as soon as it comes into view, she sees temptations yet again. She wonders if god is punishing her. 

Reagan is standing in the middle of the field with a bucket of golf balls and Toni is flying around her. Reagan throws the balls in random directions and yells excitedly whenever Toni makes a particularly good snag. Just when Shelby is close enough to really see them, Toni lands and deposits a bunch of golf balls back in the bucket just before Reagan throws her arms around Toni’s neck and kisses her. Shelby watches for just a moment, feeling jealousy well up in her stomach. She would do anything to just feel okay being happy with someone like that. She tears her eyes away and forces herself to watch the road. She thinks about texting Fatin but doesn’t and she can almost be proud of herself for that. 

-

The next few days fly by and all of a sudden she’s meeting in the library with her defense group. She sticks close to Martha the whole time, and she can feel the tension radiating off of Toni, presumably from the greenhouse incident. 

They’re trying to work out the best spells for shelter building, but working as a group of 8 proves to be fruitless. There are just too many chefs in the kitchen. They decide to split in half to work the problem and Shelby is faced with a dilemma. 

Fatin immediately scoots over to join Dot who is already sitting next to Leah, and Toni and Martha form the beginning of the other group. Shelby has to choose between working with Fatin and Toni. Great. 

She picks Toni because at least Martha is there and the issue isn’t so poignant, but she’s not sure that ends up being the right choice. Nora ends up being their fourth. Toni is almost immediately hostile to everyone, Martha included. Shelby’s never seen anyone be mean to Martha, especially Toni. She can’t imagine how one could with her being so sweet, so when Toni repeatedly snaps at her about petty things, she knows that something else must be going on with them. Both her and Nora try to intervene by suggesting compromises to Toni’s insistence that they use overly complex and obscure spells for the relatively simple task, but it only seems to spur Toni on. 

“You’re just going to do everything she says?!”

Toni’s practically yelling at Martha now because Martha agreed with one of Shelby’s ideas, but it’s ultimately Nora who steps in. 

“C’mon Toni we’re in the library. Settle down. I think we all agree that using levitation to construct it and then charming the inside to be large enough is the best option.”

Toni’s nostrils flare and her eyes narrow when Nora tells her to settle down, and it doesn’t even seem like she listens to the rational part of what Nora said. She just slams her fist down and stands abruptly.

“Fuck this.”

Then she’s gone. 

Something about it makes Shelby’s jaw clench. She’s not sure why the way Toni is acting digs at her so much. Actually, she doesn’t know why specifically, because she can list several reasons. Not only is she being childish with this whole tantrum, she’s being mean to Martha, one of the nicest people Shleby’s ever met. She’s impeding progress of the shelter, and it’s just freaking annoying. 

“I’m not going after her,” Martha says with a resolved huff and Nora is just looking at Shelby with wide eyes like she can’t even process the way Toni is acting. 

“Well she’s got our book so I am.”

Shelby stands quickly, with more grace than Toni, and exits the library the same way Toni did. She finds her almost immediately, pouting in the hallway like she’s not the one who made this mess to begin with. She can’t help but appreciate how she looks, though. The tight set of her jaw, on prominent display with her hair tied back is…no. Shelby can’t go down that rabbit hole right now, and the fact that she started to only fuels her annoyance. 

“Can we at least have the book back if you’re not going to help?”

Toni’s head snaps up and she glares at Shelby before tossing the book so that it skids to a stop at Shelby’s feet. 

“Seriously? I don’t understand why you run so hot all of the time. You didn’t have to throw this at me.”

Toni scoffs (that damn noise) as Shelby bends down to pick up the book and inspect it for damage. 

“Why didn’t you tell anyone that I hit you with the door and that’s how you hurt your wrist?”

Shelby glances up. Toni’s looking at her with what is most definitely anger but there’s something else there, like she really doesn’t understand. 

“I thought maybe it would help us get along. Now I just hope The Lord grants me enough strength to make it through this project so I can go back to never having to deal with you.”

Shelby knows she’s just fanning Toni’s flames at this point. She tried so hard during the first meeting to stay on Toni’s good side, but after the whole overheard greenhouse comment thing, Shelby doubts it’ll be any use. Besides, she’s tired of Toni acting like a child and lashing out for no reason. 

Toni steps closer to her now. Close enough that Shelby can smell just a vague hint of some earthy perfume, and she can see the individual colors in Toni’s deep brown eyes. 

“You know I’ve always thought that people who need to do the whole Jesus thing are the most fucked up. You need to tell yourself those nice little stories because you’re hiding some pretty fucked up shit, aren’t you?”

Toni doesn’t wait for a reply. she pushes past Shelby, making solid contact with Shelby’s shoulder as she does it, then she’s gone. 

Shelby stares after her for a moment and lets out a long breath that she didn’t realize she’d been holding. Even if it felt like Toni was about to punch her, the close proximity they were just in makes Shelby’s head spin. She leans against the wall and tries to collect her thoughts. 

She doesn’t understand why Toni has this effect on her. She gets under her skin in a way that no one else does, but she also makes Shelby feel something that makes her very uncomfortable. A lot like the stomach flipping feeling that had happened just when she realized she was going to kiss Fatin. 

Fuck. 

Shelby goes back into the library and deposits the book on the table in front of Nora. 

“The other group left and it looks like you couldn’t get Toni to come back, so why don’t we just pick this back up another day?” Nora asks, and Shelby doesn’t have a problem with that at all. 

When she leaves, she can’t get the earthy perfume or the hard set jawline out of her head. She thinks about running, but she texts Fatin instead. 

To: Fatin Jadmadi, 12:56 pm  
You said anytime, right?

From: Fatin Jadmadi, 1:05 pm  
My my, Texas. Are u propositioning me for a nooner?

To: Fatin Jadmani, 1:06 pm  
Dormitory in 10 min?

From: Fatin Jadmani, 1:06 pm  
See ya soon. 

By the time she gets the last text, she’s already entering the Slytherin common room. Her hands are shaking from nervous energy and she paces the room while she waits to try to quell it. She doesn’t want to think about why that conversation with Toni was the final straw to reaching out to Fatin for this. But she so so badly wants to satiate whatever need is coursing through her body and she already crossed the line with Fatin so it’s hard to not think it’s worthwhile to explore the other side a little. But now that she’s waiting, the gravity of what she’s done is hitting her. She just initiated something, at least before it was Fatin. And a nooner? That’s what Fatin had called it. Was Fatin thinking they were going to have sex? Was Shelby? She doesn’t even know what her own intentions are. She’s just about to text Fatin to call it off and go on another run, but as soon as she pulls her phone out to do it, the door slides open and Fatin walks in. 

“Hey, Shelbs,” is all she says and it’s so casual that Shelby doesn’t even know if they’re there for the same reasons. “I’m actually so glad you texted. Today has been so stressful and I could use a distraction.” 

Shelby’s kind of just frozen in place, watching Fatin sit on the bed and put her bag down like nothing is happening. After a few seconds of no response Fatin looks up at Shelby with a furrowed brow. 

“What’s up Shelby? Why are you standing over there? Come here.”

Fatin pats the bed next to her and Shelby walks over and sits rather stiffly. This is all so much more awkward when she knows it’s about to happen. Fatin crosses her legs and sits so she’s facing Shelby. She brushes a strand of blond hair back behind Shelby’s ear and studies her face. 

“You’re freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking out,” but it doesn’t come out very convincing. Her voice is a little weak and shaky. 

“We don’t have to do anything Shelby, no pressure.”

Shelby gives Fatin a half hearted smile and studies her for a moment. She looks encouraging but a little worried and she’s still lightly fixing Shelby’s hair. It must be messed up from running her hands through it so much in the last 15 minutes.

“We can just talk or whatever.”

With that Shelby chuckles because she realizes in that moment that that idea probably makes Fatin as nervous as the first idea makes Shelby. She handled the last night well but the whole feelings thing really isn’t her forte. 

So Shelby steals herself and just kisses her. Fatin seems a little surprised, but recovers before Shelby can doubt herself. They start out lightly just like before, with Fatin’s hand on Shelby’s cheek and Shelby not touching Fatin at all, but Shelby doesn’t want to stay that way for long. The purpose of this is to explore now that she’s already opened the door. She angles her body to face Fatin directly, and this time she’s the one who brushes at Fatin’s lips with her tongue. Fatin obliges greedily. Shelby can taste coffee on her tongue and whatever generic sweet flavor her chapstick is. This time Shelby is the one that pulls Fatin forward by the hips while Shelby lays down, but it’s Fatin's thigh that ends up between Shelby’s legs again. She wills herself not to freak out. This is what she wants. She tangles one hand in Fatin’s hair and lets the other trail down her collar bone with feather light touches. Fatin presses into her then and their breasts press together and it’s Shelby again letting out a little involuntary noise and Fatin again smiling a little into the kiss. 

Shelby doesn’t want a repeat of last time though and she doesn’t want to give herself time to panic so she props herself up and snakes her arms around Fatin’s waist so they’re pressed tightly together and Fatin’s truly sitting on her lap. She toys with the hem of fatin’s shirt, not trusting herself to speak but wanting to silently ask if they can go a bit further. Fatin leans back and smiles wryly before pulling her own shirt up unceremoniously. Shelby watches carefully as she does it. Fatin’s very thin so especially leaned back the way she is, Shelby can see her ab muscles working as she lifts her hands above her head and her skin is taught against her tiny rib cage. Shelby spreads her finger out over Fatin’s sides, lightly brushing over her hip bones with her thumbs, and she can feel the blush creep up her face. She slowly moves her eyes upwards and there are Fatin’s breasts, clad in a surprisingly simple black bra, but Shelby guesses it is the middle of the day so what did she expect? They’re so close to her face, and Shelby’s embarrassed but she can’t stop looking. She feels the heat rising even more in her face and she squeezes her legs together in anticipation, but fatin’s leg is still in between her own so she feels it. 

Fatin grabs her chin gently and angles her face up so they’re looking at each other again. She’s smiling down at Shelby like Shelby’s reaction to Fatin taking her shirt off was kind of adorable and Shelby isn’t sure if that’s good or bad. 

“Can I take your shirt off too?” She asks, still holding Shelby in place. 

Shelby nods and Fatin lets her face go so she can grab the hem of her shirt and pull it up over her head for her and Fatin does it so smoothly that Shelby is reminded again of how out of her league she is here in terms of experience. 

Fatin makes a little self satisfied humming noise as soon as the shirt is off and she’s gotten a look. 

“I always knew your chastity was a total waste,”

Shelby’s watching Fatin’s eyes and it feels good to realize that Fatin definitely seems into this too. It’s not purely a pity thing. She’s affirmed again when the next thing Fatin does is push Shelby back down against the bed by the shoulders and kiss her, this time with an intensity that they haven’t had yet, like Fatin is really starting to enjoy herself. It’s only a moment later that Fatin cups Shelby’s neck with her hand and pushes her chin up to expose her neck, and all in one swift moment, she’s kissing Shelby’s neck with a precision that makes her toes curl and her legs tense. Shelby tangles her hands in Fatin’s hair and her knee that’s in between Fatin’s leg involuntary bends, because god, Shelby’s so fucking turned on and she definitely doesn’t have full control of her limbs anymore. It turns out to be a happy accident because Shelby makes contact between Fatin’s legs with her thigh and this time it’s Fatin who lets out a little moan against Shelby’s neck right below her ear. And that is Shelby’s new favorite sound. 

Shelby moves her hands down fatin’s sides until she’s gripping Fatin’s hips and working on nothing but instinct, tries pressing her thigh up a little harder against Fatin and it works apparently because Fatin gasps, rolls her hips forward on Shelby’s leg, and nips at Shelby’s ear in response. And at that point, for Shelby, there is nothing else in the world other than to keep getting those reactions. 

It doesn’t seem like Fatin has the same reaction though because right as she starts to roll her hips again, she stills, then sits up quickly like she’s been burned. The panic on Shelby’s face must be evident because as soon as Fatin looks at Shelby’s face, she looks panicked too. 

“Shit, Shelby,” she says and Shelby is so incredibly nervous for what the rest of the sentence will be, “I took it too far didn’t I?” I’m so so sorry. I just.. I got a little carried away.”

Shleby’s stunned into silence because she was having the time of her life, and the last thing she was expecting was Fatin Jadmani to be worried she took something too far. It’s not until Fatin starts to get off of Shelby that she’s spurred back into action. Shelby grips Fatin’s hips to hold her in place. 

“No, no Fatin you didn’t. I was worried I did something wrong. Don’t- you don’t have to, like, stop. I don’t want you to. If, y’know, you wanna keep going.”

Shelby knows it all comes out as an inelegant jumble, but she doesn’t worry about it because Fatin is grinning at her again. 

“I just don’t want to push you too far, but you did absolutely nothing wrong, baby.”

Baby. God, that’s hot. Fatin tries to lean down to kiss Shelby again but Shelby stops her because being called baby by Fatin is something Shelby can definitely get behind and all of this is working for her so well, she can’t help but feel a little bolder than usual. 

“Do you wanna take those off?” Shelby asks and nods towards Fatin’s jeans. 

Fatins grin turns into a smirk. 

“Definitely. And yours?”

Shelby nods too and they both wiggle out of their jeans. Then Fatin’s back on top of her, but this time, her fingers venture lower and she mumbles into Shelby’s ear.

“Can I touch you?”

“Yes,” Shelby says and she’s embarrassed that it sounds kind of pleading. 

She feels Fatin’s fingers inch back up again and brush lightly at Shelby’s breasts through her bra. She’s already so sensitive that it would almost hurt if it didn’t feel so good. Now Fatin’s kissing her neck, and now her collar bone, and now the swell of her breast, and shit, she’s pulling Shelby’s bra down. The next thing that happens completely takes Shelby’s breath away because now Fatin has her nipple between her lips, and it’s so, so hot. 

Shelby arches into it, and this time when she bends her knee she can feel way more of Fatin when her thigh makes contact. She only has a second to think about the fact that she wants to feel more but has no idea what to do about that before Fatin reaches behind Shelby and unclips her bra with one hand while the other is decidedly toying with the waistband of her panties, and it looks like she’s going first anyways. God, is this actually happening?

Fatin hooks a finger into the waistband and glances up, asking for approval. Shelby just nods and pulls her face close again because she wants to be kissing her when this actually happens, otherwise, she has no idea what kind of noises she’ll make.

Fatin obliges and leans down to kiss her at the same time she inches her panties down and Shelby knows her kisses must be a little uncoordinated because she’s so full of nervous energy right now she feels like she’s going to explode. Fatin pulls away anyway before anything more happens. 

“Tell me if you want to stop, okay? Now or later,” and Shelby nods, appreciative of the check ins, but nothing in her wants to stop. 

Then Shelby’s world kind of comes crashing down because Fatin runs her fingers purposely up Shelby’s length and and it feels so unbelievably good. Shelby can feel herself pulsing almost immediately as she feels Fatin exploring her and she knows this part isn’t going to last long at all right off the bat because it’s then that Fatin starts whispering in her ear. 

“Jesus Shelby, you’re so fucking wet.”

All Shelby can do is whimper in return because Fatin’s starting to get a rhythm going and every brush against her clit is pushing her closer to the finish line. 

“I had no idea how hot this would be.”

Then Shelby is gripping hard onto Fatin’s shoulder blades because she easily slips a finger inside her and curls it forward. 

“Oh babe,” Fatin half moans into her ear, “you’re close already aren’t you?”

And she is. She’s trying to keep her leg from shaking and she can’t, especially when Fatin’s angling her palm just right and moving her fingers in a way that’s doing something to Shelby’s body she didn’t even know she was capable of. 

“That’s okay, we can go more than once. I want to watch this first one.”

Fatin leans back and carefully adds a second finger, and then it’s over for Shelby. She’s gripping the pillow behind her head and fatin’s forearm hard as she comes, and it’s a full body orgasm the likes of which she’s never known. She can’t contain the moan that comes out of her mouth and she knows Fatin’s hovering above her and watching it happen, and something about that is just even hotter. 

The aftershocks last for several more seconds and Fatin’s movements become gentler as she comes down from her high. Fatin finally pulls out of her and she immediately misses the contact. Shelby tries to grab Fatin’s hips and flip them so she can give it a shot, but she has no idea what she’s going to do next and Fatin stops her anyway. 

“Nope you get to go again. I want to be a good sapphic tour guide.”

Shelby is not really sure what Fatin is talking about but it doesn’t really matter for long because Fatin kisses her once then slinks down Shelby’s body and settles her face between her legs. Fatin teases her for a few moments but it doesn’t last long and then her tongue is working Shelby up again and that’s even better. Fatin goes slower this time and lets Shelby enjoy the climb but it’s still not very long until she’s shaking underneath fatin’s touch again and coming hard. 

“God, I want to do that,” Shelby says when she recovers enough to talk. 

“Again?” 

“No to you,” Shelby says matter of factly. 

This time she’s successful in flipping Fatin so she’s on top. Fatin’s mumbling something about top energy but Shelby doesn’t really hear it because all she can really think about is doing to Fatin what Fatin just did to her. Shelby knows she doesn’t really have the skill set but Fatin doesn’t seem to mind talking her through it at all. Shelby is reveling in the moment so much that she doesn’t realize until Fatin’s coming hard against her tongue that she must be really fucking gay because when she did the equivalent for Andrew, she just wanted to take a hot shower and try to scrub away how revolting the whole thing was but here with Fatin, she’s so blissed out by the whole experience, she thinks she could just keep doing it all day. 

Fatin does let her do it again, a couple more times, and Shelby files each little tip and trick away that Fatin tells her between moans because she wants nothing more than to be good at this. When it’s all said and done, they’re laying in Fatin’s bed together, still naked but under the covers. Shelby’s resting her head on Fatin’s chest and Fatin’s idley stroking her hair as if lost in thought. 

“So what’d you think, sister Christian?” Fatin asks after sometime, and Shelby’s stomach clenches a little at the dig in light of what they've just done but not as badly as she might’ve thought. 

“I, yeah, I liked it.”

“Yeah, that would’ve been my guess. I think you’re gayer than I thought.”

“I was just thinking the same thing.”

Fatin laughs lightly at that. 

“But you’re good? I honestly wasn’t expecting so much on an afternoon a couple days after you admitted it to me.”

“I think I’m good actually. Better than I expected.”

That’s when the door flies open and it’s Becca walking into Shelby and Fatin cuddling naked in bed together.


	3. Chapter 3

Reality hits Shelby in the face like a ton of bricks as soon as she sees her. Her plan was to dip her toe in the water after the kiss since she’d already crossed the line, and here she was, caught red handed just after swan diving into uncharted waters. Shelby realizes that she’s really not okay at all. 

“Shelby, are you in here? I’ve been looking for you for, lik-“

Then Becca stops talking because she realizes what she just walked in on. She looks stunned, her mouth falls open in surprise and she drops her wand which rolls directly under Fatin’s bed. The clatter of the wand is what puts Shelby into high gear. She starts scrambling for her clothes and trying to form a sentence that could explain away what she was just doing, but she’s having trouble finding her shirt and nothing comes to mind. 

Fatin, of course, does not appear to be panicking. She finds her own shirt and slips it on before she finds Shelby’s and tosses it to her. Shelby catches it and meets Fatin’s gaze. She looks nervous, like she’s not sure how Shelby’s about to react, and honestly, Shelby’s not too sure either. She chances a look at Becca while she wiggles back into her pants and Becca is looking at her with an expression that she really can’t decipher. 

“Well Shelbs, not gonna lie, Fatin is a surprising choice.”

Shelby hears Fatin respond with something about choosing not to take that as an insult but honestly she doesn’t really hear it all because as soon as Becca spoke, it felt like all of the air rushed out of the room and Shelby feels like she’s hearing their voices through water. Becca said that because she’d been waiting for Shelby to do something like this, waiting for her to fail. Shelby always told herself she could press this part of herself down, but Becca knows Shelby better than anyone and she knew Shelby couldn’t, or wouldn’t. The gravity of that presses down on Shelby like there’s an elephant on her chest. Is she doomed to sin? To be ostracized from her family? To be alone, like her father had told Kyle? It would seem Becca thinks so. 

“Shelby, hey, come on, it’s just Becca. She already knew,” Shelby hears Fatin say more clearly than whatever they were saying before. 

And Shelby can’t help it. She knows they don’t know what’s going on in her head, but she bites back like they do. 

“Knew what, Fatin? That I’m just like this? That I can’t change it?”

Fatin looks taken aback, like the 180 Shelby’s taken since a moment before Becca walked into the room doesn’t make sense to her. 

“Shelby, I’m honestly proud of you,” Becca says and that hits Shelby like right in the chest. 

She scoffs. Proud of her. Shame washes over her in waves. 

“I, for one, am extremely proud of you,” Fatin says and Shelby can hear the innuendo in her voice, slapping her in the face. 

“I need to go for a run.”

So Shelby grabs her workout gear and leaves. Then she runs. She runs until she almost passes out. She tries to run until she forgets where her face was just 30 minutes ago and she can’t. She runs until she literally can’t anymore, and then she just lays down next to the path in the grass and allows herself to breathe. That’s a mistake, because as soon as she rests, the tears come. She clearly has no control anymore. She let one little thing with Toni turn into this. 

“Hey, you’re not dead are you?”

Shelby’s eyes drift open to Leah standing over her. 

“I’m not dead,” Shelby grumbles back, hoping Leah will just leave. 

She doesn’t. 

“Well are you okay? You’re all red. Were you getting chased by a bear or some shit?”

“I was not getting chased by a bear.”

Leah sits down in the grass next to her. 

“Well those look like tears, not sweat.”

Shelby huffs and sits up, hunching over while she wipes her face clean with the bottom of her tank top. Leah still doesn’t move, so Shelby glances over at her. Leah’s not looking at her, just studying the grass in front of her like it’s the most interesting thing is the world, and toying with the beat up edge on the book cover of some novel Shelby’s never heard of. 

“I’ve just had a hard day and running makes me feel better.”

Leah just nods and looks down at her book rather than the grass, or Shelby for that matter. Shelby’s starting to get a little frustrated. She doesn’t know why Leah’s sitting with her. Shelby thinks it’s pretty clear she’s going through a thing and it’s not like they’re really friends or anything. She looks at Leah’s book a little closer. 

“Is that Jeff Galantis? Didn’t the Prophet fire him for… something with a student here last year?” 

Shelby knows it was Leah but she’d rather play dumb, it seems a little aggressive to just point that kind of thing out. Getting caught having sex with a man, a famous author, who visited your school and is almost 20 years your senior while you’re underaged that is. 

Leah chuckles dryly, “it just makes me feel better after a hard day.”

“I don’t get that. Shouldn’t you hate him?”

“Your thing doesn’t seem very healthy either.”

Shelby nods. She might be in really good physical shape but she can acknowledge that running until you collapse isn’t exactly best practice. Shelby doesn’t say anything so Leah jumps back in. 

“He made me feel like no one would ever love me like he did, and reading the book reminds me of how good that felt when I’m wallowing in how bad it feels now that he’s gone.”

Shelby sighs. That makes sense, she guesses, but it really doesn’t seem healthy. Jeff should be in jail for what he did to Leah, but he’s a famous dude, so he got off with just losing his job and being banned from Hogwarts. 

“Isn’t that what we’re all afraid of?” Shelby asks, “that we won’t be loved? That we’ll be all alone?”

Like her daddy says. Like Kyle. Like Leah apparently. Leah looks at her like that was surprisingly profound, but Shelby doesn’t really think it is. Leah stands and Shelby thinks she might have offended her or something, but Leah extends a hand to help Shelby up. Shelby accepts it and Leah leads her farther out into the field. This whole thing is so weird that Shelby just goes with it and doesn’t ask any questions. 

“I've been thinking about doing this for a while. You’re right that the book is unhealthy.”

Leah sets down the beat up book and crouches down to look at it. She flips it open to what Shelby assumes is a random page and runs a finger down the margins. Shelby realizes that it’s annotated in what looks like a man's handwriting and she thinks it was probably Jeff. There’s cute stuff, sexual stuff, some stuff that looks like inside jokes. It all makes Shelby’s stomach twist uncomfortably. 

Then Leah stands, points her wand at it, and abruptly lights it on fire. 

They watch it burn in silence for what feels like quite a long time. Shelby thinks about talking, saying that she’s proud of Leah for doing this, but she decides to just let Leah have the moment instead. 

Once it’s pretty well burned, Leah puts it out with water from her wand and turns to Shelby. 

“I’m not sure what it is, but maybe you should let go of your thing too.” 

They walk back to the castle together and talk about nothing, their project, their classes, other students. Shleby thinks about what Leah said. Let her thing go. She wonders if Leah knew, if she’d tell her to let go of her desires or let go of her fear. They’re almost back to the castle and Shelby’s almost all the way checked out of the conversation when Leah says something that peaks her interest. 

“Did you hear Regan dumped Toni this morning?”

A confusing mix of emotions hits Shelby all at once. A weird excitement that Toni’s single. Disappointment because she knows she’s not brave enough to do anything about that. Shame because of the first two. And finally, annoyance at Regan for dumping Toni and leaving her angry enough to cause the whole situation that happened today. 

“I didn’t hear that.”

Shelby tries to sound only mildly interested but she knows her head sort of jerked up when Leah said it so she’s not sure if she pulled it off. 

“Yeah Nora said she was being… intense when we were working on the project earlier. I bet that’s why.”

Shelby chuckles dryly. Intense is certainly one word for it, but Shelby can think of others. 

“Do you know what happened?” 

“No, just that she trashed their dormitory afterwards. One of the Ravenclaws heard it from Regan.”

That’s not good. Shelby hopes that it doesn’t get back to Klein somehow since Toni’s on thin ice anyways. For her sake of course. 

“I bet that’s why her and Martha were fighting.”

“That would make sense.”

Then the conversation is over because they reach the point where their paths diverge. 

“Bye, Leah. Thanks for everything.” 

“Not sure what I did but you’re welcome. See ya around.”

Shelby’s not really sure either. Leah did tell her about Toni, but it seems obvious that’s not what Leah took it as, and it’s not what Shelby meant either, though she does appreciate it. Leah’s advice about letting it go bounces around in her head. She wishes she could just let go of the desire. The infuriating want that she feels literally every time she sees Toni. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem feasible. Then she wishes she could let go of her barriers. Throw caution to the wind and allow her family situation to play out the way it will. If Shelby could do that, she’d just walk up to Toni and… what? Kiss her? Tell her she’s gay? Ask her to hang out? All those seem weird but she’s sure she’d think of something. 

One thing she could let go of is the running, maybe, for right now, metaphorically speaking of course. She decides to talk to Becca and Fatin. She probably owes them that. Definitely Fatin at least. She walks up to the slytherin common room and heads straight back to the dormitory when she doesn’t see either of them downstairs. 

There they are sitting together and talking in hushed voices like they haven’t moved since Shelby’s abrupt exit. 

“Hey, Shelby,” Becca greets and it’s so hesitant that Shelby feels a little guilty for the way she left. 

“Hey!” Shelby says. 

It’s way too sunny and she knows it the moment it comes out of her mouth. She grimaces and digs through her drawers for a change of clothes to hide it.

“I’m gonna change real quick because I know this is going to be a whole thing and I don’t want to be sweaty while we do it.”

Shelby hears Fatin laugh nervously as she turns the corner into the bathroom. Once she gets her running clothes off, she realizes how dirty she is from laying on the ground and opts for a quick shower as well. She feels like her heart is beating in her throat the whole time. She knows what they’re going to say. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Shelbs” and “you have to be yourself, Texas” and they just don’t get it. Becca maybe more than Fatin, but still, they’ve never had to live with her family. They don’t know Dave Goodkind. Not like her. 

She walks out and smiles at them, but she knows it comes out as a grimace. They are both sitting on Fatin’s bed. Why Fatin’s bed of places she doesn’t know but when Becca pats the spot between them she sits anyways even though it reminds her viscerally of when Fatin patted the bed earlier in the day. And what came after. Becca speaks first. 

“Are you okay, Shelbs?”

“I am G-R-E-A-T. Great. Absolutely fine.”

Shelby’s lying but they all know that so she might as well do a terrible job. 

“Seriously, Shelby, I’m sorry that I took it too far. I didn’t mean for all that to happen, I was just caught up in the moment and It seemed like you were too. The last thing I wanted was for you to regret anything and I-“

Fatin’s straight up rambling. It’s so out of character that Shelby could almost laugh, but she’s not quite there. She feels bad, suddenly, because Fatin clearly thinks she ran out because of regret, and that’s not really the case. In a way she does, she guesses, but she can’t bring herself to actually wish she hadn’t done it, and ultimately therein lies the problem. She fucking loved it. Way too much. So much so, she doesn’t know how she’s going to turn back and that is something she absolutely has to do. 

“No Fatin,” she finally cuts her off, “it’s not that I regret it. It’s that I don’t. It’s like I‘ve tasted the forbidden fruit now, and I can’t get rid of what I know. It’s always going to be something I’ve done. It’s always going to be something I want to do again.”

“Not gonna lie, being compared to the embodiment of sin is kind of doing it for me right now,” Is all Fatin replies with. 

Becca shoots Fatin a glare before looking back at Shelby.

“It’s a good thing that you don’t regret it, Shelby.”

“It’s not though, Becca, I don’t just think about it now. I am about it. I know I like it. It’s set in stone.”

“I’m sorry, did you just kind of quote DJ Khalid? At a time like this?” Fatin asks. 

“Fatin,” Becca cuts in, glaring again, “you have to stop. This is serious.”

“Listen, I’m sorry I deal with uncomfortable situations with humor. I’ll stop.”

“Look,” Shelby says because they clearly don’t understand, “I’m scared. People can’t find out about this. There’s no telling what my family would do.”

“They’d still love you, Shelbs. They’d come around,” Becca says, but it’s a little weak, like Becca knows the response, and that’s because she does. 

“You do not know that. You know who my dad is. I told you what he did to Kyle after I… after I kissed you last year.”

Shelby hates having to say it out loud because it just reaffirms the fact that she can’t seem to help herself.

“Whose Kyle?”

“He’s a boy from Shelby’s church who her dad sent to a conversion camp. It was fucked up.”

Shelby’s glad Becca answered Fatin for her because she can still hardly bring herself to talk about it. They took him from her house after a prayer group, and she can still remember the fear in his eyes. 

“No fucking way,” and finally Fatin looks serious, “you think they’d do that to you?”

“I am 100% positive they would do that to me.”

Fatin looks at her sadly and she can feel Becca’s hand squeezing her should reassuringly, but it’s Fatin who talks again. 

“That’s fucking terrifying, but just so we’re clear Shelbs I’m not trying to tell you to announce it to the world, and I don’t think Becca is either.”

Becca agrees quickly. 

“No, that’s something you need to do on your own time, especially since it’s not safe for you.”

“Wearing flannel and listening to the girl in red isn’t the important thing here,” Fatin adds and Becca glares, but Fatin keeps going before she can get cut off, “No, Becca, I’m not making a joke. What’s important is you stop hating yourself for it.”

Shelby nods and tries to keep from rolling her eyes. She knew the “be yourself, love yourself” speech was coming and she can’t make herself take it seriously. Fatin clearly picks up on it. 

“Don’t make that face like it’s stupid,” and Shelby can’t help but narrow her eyes at her, “seriously, how can you hate yourself for what we did? It was too wonderful to be a sin.”

And finally Shelby actually looks at her because that is probably the softest thing that Shelby has ever heard Fatin say, and it was also the first thing that made her feel something that either of them have said. Just a little flutter in her chest. Because it was wonderful. Not just hot, and new, and salacious. It made her feel cared for and safe and free in a way that Andrew certainly never could. 

How could that feeling be a sin? 

But it is a sin. 

Shelby sighs and, “yeah, it really was,” is all she can think to say back. 

-

The next day, Shelby is emotionally drained and still highly conflicted about everything that had happened the day before. Fatin’s and Becca’s words and concern hit home, sure, but one conversation stands no chance against a lifetime of conditioning. 

She doesn’t avoid Fatin this time, but she also tries really hard to pretend nothings changed and they totally didn’t have life altering sex the day before, and thankfully, Fatin seems to be taking the same approach. 

A text from Martha comes through while she’s sitting at breakfast with Becca and Fatin requesting that they all meet up for lunch in Hogsmeade and catch up on the project since they didn’t get through everything that they wanted to the day before. 

Shelby has mixed feelings about meeting with the group. She’s decided she likes Dot and Martha for sure. The time she spent with Leah yesterday was nice in its own way but definitely weird, probably for both of them. Then obviously things with Fatin right now are complicated to say the least. And of course Toni. It’s just not something she’s particularly excited about.

She goes anyway. 

She walks down with Fatin and luckily it’s not weird. Fatin doesn’t broach the topic at all, and instead opts to tell Shelby about an almost offensively expensive watch that she bought online with her dad’s credit card. They don’t get along too well, but Fatin keeps the story light and it makes Shelby laugh. 

They meet at a little seafood restaurant called the magic poisson to have lunch before they actually get started working. Shelby’s allergic to shellfish so it’s not exactly her scene, but she just goes along with it because she doesn’t really have the energy to try to change everyone’s plans. It doesn't really end up mattering anyways. 

They’re the last to arrive, and the whole group is already bickering about ordering an appetizer. 

“We’re getting oysters, end of story,” Rachel says, and there’s a couple affirming nods around the table, but Dot doesn’t look convinced. 

“Do you see an ocean around here? That seems suspect.” 

“Did you forget that this is a restaurant run by wizards outside of a wizarding school? I’m sure they can fly them in efficiently.”

It’s not until Fatin agrees that Dot cenceeds and Rachel orders them for the group. 

It appears that they end up being good. Shelby doesn’t have any, but everyone else certainly seems to be enjoying themselves, and that’s when the jokes start flying. 

“God, these are great. They just need a little bit of garlic butter and we need to be on the coast of Barcelona,” Fatin says and she pronounces Barcelona in that bitchy way that people do when they’ve been there. 

“That’s relatable,” Dot shoots back but it’s dripping in sarcasm, and Fatin just winks back. 

That’s when it goes down hill for Shelby. 

“Damn Toni, you’re really plowing through them,” Leah says. 

Toni looks up at her with a grin. 

“I’m just trying to stay on brand, ya know.” 

Then she does something that sends panic and… something else shooting through Shelby’s body. She flattens her tongue and licks up one of the shells slowly, rolling her body performatively a little as she does it. Heat immediately rises in Shelby’s cheeks, and memories flood into her brain that almost make her toes curl. For the rest of the group, the display is just funny, and they all seem to want to join in. 

“You have to admit with the shape,” Toni says and looks around the group suggestively. 

“Oh, texture too, for sure,” Leah says. 

“It looks like a pussy,” Nora says matter of factly and a little too loud and that’s when everyone is absolutely losing it. 

“Listen Fatin,” Toni says, “if you want to know how eat one of these beautiful treasures, I can teach you, and you don’t need garlic butter. You just need finesse.” 

Then she’s doing it again, and Shelby can’t look away. She’s got her head tilted back and she’s moving like she knows exactly what she’s doing. Desire bubbles but in Shelby’s chest and she has to stop it. 

“Can y’all stop?” She says and it’s louder and more aggressive than she intended. The group goes silent for a beat and Dot is the one who breaks it. 

“Okay so that was funny as fuck, and Shelby has no chill.”

“I have chill. I’m just not comfortable with… pornographic gestures.”

She lands on pronographic because she doesn’t want to say gay, obviously, but she’d certainly click on a link to something like that in the privacy of her own bed room. 

“Please,” Toni says and it sounds angry, “I’ve seen this one too many times to not know what it is. Fucking homophobe.”

“She didn’t mean it like that,” Martha says, trying to defend her and sounding more hopeful than certain, “did you Shelby?”

Shelby’s panicking in earnest now. She knows what her father would want her to say. She thinks she knows what she should say if she wants to be the person she’s supposed to be. 

“I’m going to be as honest with y’all as possible. I do believe that way of life is a sin.” 

The glare she earns from the rest of the group hits her hard and guilt immediately starts to form a lump in her throat. 

“Fuck you, Shelby,” Is all Toni says. 

“Toni, I’m not judging you for it,” she tries to back track, “I honestly feel bad fo-“

Toni points at her and Shelby immediately shuts up. 

“Do not fucking finish that sentence.”

Then Toni abruptly gets up and leaves. 

Shelby turns and meets Fatin’s gaze, and it’s filled with sadness and disappointment, and Shelby’s guilt grows more poignant when Fatin gets up to follow Toni, and shelby thinks she might even see a little bit of hurt there too.


End file.
